A Lesson from a Lecher - One-shot Collection
by Kariska
Summary: "High-level ninja combat is not about who is stronger or knows more ninjutsu, it's about who makes the first mistake. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, that first mistake kills that jounin within one second or less." A oneshot of teaching from Jiraiya to Naruto that came to me while sleep eluded me.
1. Chapter 1 - A Lesson of Survival

"Again."

Naruto's eyes narrowed as he glared as his godfather. "I've run through this exercise at least twenty times, old man."

Jiraiya leaned forward and thumped him on the head. "Lip me again and I'll make it another twenty." His face was seldom serious, but there was no glimmer of humor or mischief to be found today. "You wanted me to teach you seriously? This is how it's gonna be. You do what I say, when I say it."

His godson opened his mouth and immediately closed it. Jiraiya jiggling a kunai in his direction had absolutely nothing to do with it.

"Alright, I'll do it again."

"That sentence was severely lacking something."

"Alright, I'll do it again, _sensei._ "

Jiraiya nodded in satisfaction. "That's better. Now hop to it."

Naruto channeled chakra to his legs and leapt forward, his body bent over the ground. He landed on a tree branch and immediately sprung off it. A single leaf from the branch fell to the ground.

"Stop."

Naruto rolled mid-air and planted his feet on the ground. Neither dirt nor grass stirred upon his landing.

"What is it now?"

 _Smack_

"What is it now, sensei?"

A calloused hand picked the leaf off the ground, twirling it in Naruto's face. "This is what we are trying to fix, Naruto. A single decent tracker can detect this leaf fell off the branch unnaturally."

Yellow hair shifted to the side as Naruto tilted his head. His hitai-ate was wrapped carefully at the bottom of his pack, preventing anyone from immediately recognizing his origin. "Leaves fall off trees all the time, ero-sensei. Why is this one different? How can you tell?"

The elder ninja held the leaf out to Naruto. "You tell me."

Naruto scratched his head and took the leaf, glancing over it. "I dunno."

"That won't do. What was the phrase…ah, look underneath the underneath!" Jiraiya beamed at Naruto.

"I don't think that's what that phrase was referring to, dumbass."

 _Smack_

"I don't think that's what that phrase was referring to, dumbass-sensei."

"I don't think I give a shit what _you_ think, twerp. Now look at the damn leaf all day if you have to."

Naruto sat down with a thump, glaring at the leaf for the next thirty minutes. There was no sound other than the breeze and the bugs.

"Naruto."

Naruto sprung to his feet, mildly startled. However much Jiraiya's face was seldom serious his _voice_ was practically never stern with him.

"I'm training you to be a ninja, Naruto. Being a ninja is more than having cool ninjutsu or being powerful. A ninja is aware of his surroundings at all times."

Jiraiya paused, struggling for words. "More than that, a ninja just _is_ awareness. There can be no distinction between being aware and _being_ aware. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"Yes, sensei."

"Tracker ninja's hone their senses to an extreme. Some ninja come with natural talents, such as the Byakugan, or the famed noses of the Inuzuka. Ninja who specialize in tracking, however, are trained to absolute edge. They are not combat fighters because their chakra is so keenly attuned to the senses."

Jiraiya typically taught through example or trial-and-error, rarely lecturing. Naruto had learned through experience that his lectures were lessons to be taken to heart. Lessons that one did not forget, ever.

"Tracker ninja chakra-control is second only to medic-nin and then only because medic-nin use a wider variety of chakra. Tracker-nin constantly have chakra running through their eyes, nose, ears and mouth. They see, taste, smell and hear _everything._ Ninja who can control their chakra this finely are usually pulled into ANBU and trained specifically for tracking."

"Eh, sensei, what does this have to do with the leaf?"

"Let me think of how to relate this to you…" Jiraiya thought for a moment. "Ah, Naruto, when you take on the chakra cloak, you've described a feeling of being aware of everything. You can feel shifts in the wind, the breaths I take, the shift of bugs in the grass. You remember that?"

"Yes?"

"Imagine being that way every day, every mission and everywhere you go. You _see_ so clearly that you know the difference between what a naturally fallen leaf looks like and what one looks like that has been broken from a tree."

"I guess I understand." Naruto rubbed the back of his head, not entirely certain of what he had been told.

"It's a little more nuanced than that but we don't have the time and I don't have the inclination to delve into chakra sensing or pattern recognition."

Jiraiya picked the leaf off the ground where Naruto had dropped it. "This leaf is your life. Whether this leaf stays on the tree or does not, that is the difference between you living or dying."

Naruto stared at him blankly eliciting a sigh from the Sannin as he pinched his nose.

"At some point in your shinobi career, you will have to run from your enemies. Your cover will be blown or you will have vital information for the village. Any number of situations can come up that require you to retreat with your life rather than fight."

Jiraiya started pacing as he talked gesturing animatedly. "Simply put, there are three levels of ninja, Naruto. Cannon fodder, kill-on-sight and run-on-sight. Your true level is at kill-on-sight but most would perceive you as cannon fodder, kid."

Naruto started indignantly but was forestalled by Jiraiya's outstretched hand. He was in full sensei-mode now.

"This is a _good_ thing. It keeps you alive longer to train and reach beyond that level before they're even aware of you. The ninja thrives and survives on subterfuge and misdirection.

Any mission that requires you to run away, not for your life, but for your mission, immediately bumps you to kill-on-sight. This is because any mission that requires this means that you have vital information that the enemy does not want you to have, at any cost. The real-world application of this concept is much more complicated, of course, but this analogy should do.

In this situation, the enemy releases their best resources to contain you. If your enemies are ninja, they will have tracker-nin on you faster than you can think. Every step, every move, every _breath_ you take must be measured and careful. You must calculate how fast you can move against how much unnatural damage your surroundings will take.

These processes must be ingrained, they must be a part of you, Naruto. You must become what you practice. It cannot be conscious thought."

Naruto was once again sitting, staring wide-eyed at Jiraiya.

"This is what it means to be a ninja of jounin level or higher. We train and train and train until it is no longer training, it is a state of existence for us. I know you want to reach that level and much further, Naruto. It takes time and a hell of a lot of training.

That is why we will practice twenty times, thirty times, a hundred times until you have perfected this. Because everyone else is doing the _exact_ same damn thing. If you fail in one area that your enemy has succeeded in, you're dead. If you slip up because you haven't practiced enough and your enemy has put in more effort, you're dead.

High-level ninja combat is not about who is stronger or knows more ninjutsu, it's about who makes the first mistake. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, that first mistake kills that jounin within one second or less."

Jiraiya sighed heavily and squatted in front of Naruto before his serious expression suddenly broke into a wide grin.

"So, how about we do that again and then we'll go get some ice cream?"

Naruto shot up, whooping loudly. "Hell yeah!"

He paused and stared at Jiraiya suspiciously. "Are you bribing me, ero-sensei?"

Jiraiya's face was a study in indignation and innocence. "I would never! The mere thought offends me!"

Naruto shrugged and turned away. "As long as I get my ice cream. And I sincerely doubt _any_ thought offends you anymore, you old perv."

Jiraiya would most likely have made a witty retort, had he not, at that exact moment, been studying a magazine of questionable morality.

Naruto did _not_ want to know where he had been hiding that. He thought he'd burned them all in retaliation for the Prank.

Oh, well, there was always next time.


	2. Chapter 2 - A Quiet Day

**AN:** Another idea that came to me while I was out and about today. If these gain in popularity I might create an actual fic about it. Maybe.

Also, I have Naruto as a chuunin in this series. Mainly because it makes no damn sense for that kid to go through what he did, without a promotion.

And also because, Sannin or not, there's no damn way a genin would be allowed of the village on an extended _three_ year mission.

Onward and forwards

* * *

 _ **A Quiet Day**_

* * *

Jiraiya sighed heavily after sitting up. Sleep called to him, an embrace almost as sweet as any woman's.

His bladder was more insistent.

After relieving himself, Jiraiya peeked in the conjoined bedroom assuring himself that Naruto was still asleep. Naruto's wild blonde hair stuck out from a pile of covers that made a snug cocoon. Training had been grueling, at the boy's own insistence. As such, he expected and exacted a lot from the young Jinchuuriki.

What continually surprised him was how much beyond that Naruto exacted from himself. He should have known after the Rasengan Incident how hard Naruto would push himself.

Still, it was impressive.

He briefly considered it as a result of his lineage before discarding the notion. Naruto's life and his own ethic had produced the young man that was developing before him. His parents had gifted him with many things, but that was his own.

Jiraiya shrugged and decided that if he was going to be awake, Naruto was to suffer with him. He creeped forward, pulling a flashtag from a pouch. That one never left his person, even in sleep.

Not even a whisper of sound was to be heard as he leapt forward, slipped the tag onto Naruto's pillow and landed in the corner of the ceiling. He pressed his knuckles against his lips to prevent himself from giggling. This was going to be classic!

Jiraiya produced a small camera and trained it on Naruto's sleeping form as he released the seal.

 _BANG!_

The tag produced a deafening sound and a flash of light, leaving a light ringing in his ears.

A nonplussed expression on his face, Jiraiya stared at the sleeping form that didn't stir a single hair.

"What the…"

A figure slid out from underneath the bed, revealing a bed of very familiar blonde hair. Naruto's torso was visible as he laid there, wiggling his pinky in his ear.

"Ne, sensei, what was all that about?"

Said sensei fell face first on the floor before scrambling up and pointing an imperious finger at Naruto.

"What was that? Why were you under the bed? Why didn't you fall for my most glorious prank?!"

Naruto sighed and thumped his head back on the floor, still partially underneath the bed.

"Why did you try to _flashtag_ me awake, ero-sennin?"

"That's beside the point! I'm the sensei here, now answer my question!"

"How about you stop trying to wake me up via heart attack?"

"How about you stop being a little twerp?"

"How about you stop being a lecher?"

"Try sex and then talk to me about being a lecher."

"I'm fourteen, dumbass!"

"That's old enough! And you parade around as a naked woman at least once a day!"

"Sensei, it's a wonder you haven't been locked up for the safety of all children."

"You ignored the comment about your Orioke no Jutsu."

"And you ignore all common decency. Besides, it's a technique, it's different."

"Read my books and you'd learn all about technique."

"You're disgusting."

"You're a virgin."

"I'm _fourteen_ you lecher."

Jiraiya sighed heavily for the second time that morning and shook his head dolefully. "I'm never going to get this beat into you."

"Never talk about putting anything into me ever again, pervert."

The Toad Sage threw his hands up in defeat and walked back into his room. "Let's go get some breakfast, I'm hungry."

Naruto shoved himself out from underneath the bed, tugging on his clothes. "This place have good food?"

From the other room, Jiraiya called back, "We're not eating here, we're having a lazy day today!"

Sandal half on his foot, Naruto hopped to the doorway, tugging on the footwear. "What do you mean 'a lazy day?'" He stumbled and almost fell face-panted before catching himself on the wall.

"I thought we were doing stamina training today? Or do you just want to get your perv on with some ladies?"

Jiraiya pulled his pack onto his back, shifting it until it settled comfortably. "No, I mean it. I won't run off on you. As far as training goes, we can do that tomorrow; we've been working hard the last two months. I, and more importantly you, deserve a break."

Naruto put his jacket on before tugging it off and putting it into his bag. The weather in this area was sweltering with humidity and summer heat. "I don't think I need a break, I feel fantastic."

The elder ninja collected the key to their room and walked out with Naruto before saying, "You're a Jinchuuriki, Naruto, you will always feel at the peak of your health. The fact is, you need to know when to take a break."

"I rest when I need it!"

They walked out of the inn and shouldered their way into the crowd, towards the market.

"I'm not talking about your physical health, gaki. You need to decompress. Training as continually as we have puts stress on the body and mind for any ninja. For you, it's mostly your mind. The Tailed Beast within you takes care of your body but you have to take care of your mind."

The two ninja stopped briefly at a stall to pick up a snack of dango sticks before continuing.

"The repeated use of Kage Bunshin in the manner that we've been using it will stress your mind. You're taking in and processing hundreds upon hundreds of thoughts every day. We need to be careful or else you could accidently send yourself into a coma from the strain."

"You really just want to laze about for a day, let's be honest, sensei."

Jiraiya waved his hand side-to-side in a non-committal manner. "Lazy days are nice, Naruto but what I'm telling you is true. We have to take it easy every now and then or you're going to injure yourself. It's happened before."

The two of them entered a nice diner and sat down, ordering their food. Naruto attempted to order ramen but was swiftly headed off by Jiraiya. He ended up with a hearty plate of meat and veggies instead.

The road to being a great ninja was filled with sacrifice, but some were almost too hard to stomach.

Not that he would be stomaching that particular sacrifice, unfortunately. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Jiraiya continued, "The Tailed Beast gives you a massive advantage when it comes to everything, whether it be chakra or your physical abilities. This includes how much your brain can process, heal and maintain. You are the only person who can use the Kage Bunshin technique like this.

No matter how big their chakra reserve, ordinary ninja cannot healthily use more than five Kage Bunshin at one time. Generally, anything over this amount sends the ninja into a coma from sensory overload once the Bunshin have been dispelled."

Naruto sipped his water and tilted his head to the side, saying, "So, the only reason I can use it like I can is because of the Kyuubi?"

Jiraiya nodded, following Naruto's suit and sipping his ale. It wasn't sake but he wasn't looking to get drunk.

"At least it's paying rent, then." Naruto said as he grinned.

"Aye, but you have to imagine, Naruto, that only _five_ are enough to send an ordinary ninja into a coma. You're summoning over one-hundred every _day._ Think about it."

Naruto blanched and took a big gulp of his water, for once wishing something stronger was in his glass.

"There you go, gaki. Now you understand why we're going to start taking a day off every now and then. You need to decompress; let your mind rest and have a normal day."

Their food was delivered and silence reigned between the two of them as they devoured the delicious meal.

Stabbing his chopsticks in Naruto's direction, Jiraiya asked, "So, this is your day off, what do you want to do?"

Naruto thought about it as he took several more bites of the chicken in front of him. "Eh, it's been so long since I had time to do what I want…I have no idea!"

Jiraiya grinned and said, "I can give you a few ideas!"

The blonde ninja paused mid-chew and stared at him disgustedly.

It was Jiraiya's turn to blanch.

"That came out wrong."

"No shit, sensei."

They studiously ignored everything and each other for the next few minutes before Naruto spoke again.

"Ne, sensei…"

"Yes?"

"This may sound weird, but I'd like to find a grassy hill with a tree on it and do nothing but stare at clouds all day."

Jiraiya frowned in curiosity. "That's all? Your glorious day off and that's all?"

Naruto rubbed the back of his head sheepishly before a wistful look filled his expression.

"Back before everything…Sasuke, the damned fox, gramps…my friends and I, we would sneak out of class and spend all day staring at the clouds. I didn't have many friends back then, but Shika and Chouji never cared what anyone said about me. They didn't mind the stares or the insults."

A bittersweet smile twisted the normally cheerful chuunin's face.

"They were about the only ones who didn't care. They cared that I was good with pranks, told good jokes and knew how to have a good time. That was enough for me and it was enough for them. They were my first friends and, for a long time, my only friends."

Naruto shook himself, plastering a grin on his face.

"But if that sounds super boring to you, we can do something else, ero-sennin!"

Jiraiya smiled at Naruto, a smile of empathy and understanding.

"No, Naruto, I think that sounds like a great idea."

"Ne, sensei, bring some sake too."

Jiraiya's smile shifted to one of absolute mischief.

"Now that's a damned amazing idea."

"Damn straight, ero-sennin."

* * *

 **Hope you guys enjoyed! Let me know what you thought, whether good, bad or roast worthy. If you do roast me, do be creative.**

 **It makes my day better, it really does.**


	3. Chapter 3 - A Test

**AN :** Thank you to those of you who reviewed! I'll be posting pretty often due to a rather large amount of ideas bouncing around in my head.

It'll most likely slow down after about ten or fifteen chapters but I'll still post regularly. If the one-shots get enough popularity I might make a series out of it

Again, thank you so much for your kind words, follows and favorites!

Onwards and forwards.

* * *

A Test

* * *

 _Get up._

 _Run._

 _Don't stop until you have nothing left._

 _Go!_

Naruto heaved himself to his feet, the echoes of his sensei whispering in his ears. Rain pounded down, filling the air with white noise. The dark of night was made almost black with the downpour.

 _Observe._

 _Analyze._

 _Act._

He pushed his hitai-ate up and over the crest of his forehead, tugging it secure. His hair was short but long enough to obscure his vision when damp.

 _Risk: Slick surroundings, mud prints, noise-awareness compromised._

 _Action: Distract, take to the trees_

He ran forward, catching a low-hanging branch as his momentum peeked. His loose gripped swung him into the air towards higher branches.

A hand dipped into his thigh-bag, pulling out three kunai. His other hand attached three exploding tags to the handles of each weapon. Naruto slid the handle rungs onto his fingers as his feet connected with a thick upper-branch.

Springing forward, Naruto dropped one kunai into the mud beneath him. Mid-air, he crossed his fingers and summoned two clones. In a stroke of luck, thunder broke the sky, covering the tell-tale pop of summoned Kage Bunshin.

 _Five._

There were no instructions passed. They were clones, they knew what to do. He lost sight of them almost immediately.

 _Four._

 _Use your surroundings._

 _Three._

Naruto flicked a kunai into his free hand and flung it away from him. It didn't matter where it went, that one was just a decoy.

The last kunai he held onto. It was his failsafe.

 _Two._

The faint but familiar sound of a rasengan being powered sounded to his right.

 _That's at least half a mile. Perfect._

 _One._

The blond ninja held one hand in a half-ram sign, focusing his chakra. A massive explosion sounded behind him. Night became day for three counts before darkness descended once more.

Naruto ran on, trusting his clones to either distract his foe or create false trails. Either result was desirable.

He blinked away rain as clone-memory flooded his mind. It had dispelled approximately one and a half miles from him location.

 _Kunai thrown to the back of the neck._

 _Analyze._

 _Enemy type: unknown._

 _Executed from behind: minimize observation._

 _Death: separation of spinal cord._

 _Assumed threat level: Class B based on accuracy_

Naruto angled his movement to his right, traveling diagonally. The enemy would move towards him now, assuming he would move away from him. If the enemy's movements were sharp enough, they would miss each other.

He formed the half-ram again and light reigned again for three counts. Naruto summoned two more clones, using the sound to mask the technique.

That explosion was entirely pointless.

His pursuer didn't _know_ that, of course, and therein lied its purpose. Whether the enemy investigated the explosion or not, the seeds of doubt were planted.

One clone simply stopped moving forward, opting to leap higher into the branches. He would dispel himself if he saw anyone coming.

The other clone dashed further right, ensuring they wouldn't be caught by surprise. A smart enemy never gave straight pursuit if there was no line-of-sight.

Naruto blinked as one of his clones dispelled. It was the one that had gone left, not one of his recents.

 _Slowed by doton, killed by suiton._

 _Use of natural resources provided by environment._

 _Assumed jonin level technique by efficiency._

 _Assumed jonin level abilities through techniques._

 _Assumed threat level: Class S._

Naruto channeled more chakra to his legs, increasing his speed. It would do more damage to his surroundings but the enemy had his trail now.

 _Revise strategy._

 _Cannot match enemy knowledge or technique._

 _Improvise with surroundings._

 _Confrontation? Assumed fatal result._

 _Mission requirements: Infiltration and Information._

Naruto's thoughts spun around his head as he switched directions once again.

 _Mission requires escape and non-fatal conclusion._

The blonde's smile returned in full force.

 _Solution? Go fucking crazy._

Fingers crossed, Naruto summoned four pairs of clones plus one. The pull on his chakra was noticeable but barely a drain on his sizeable reserves.

He passed twenty pairs of tags around. They were high-end expensive ones, but cloned tags were noticeably weaker than real ones. Besides, he was learning fuuinjutsu and the practice gained from making more would be good.

His lookout clone dispelled.

 _Two miles._

He dispelled the second clone. There would be no need for that one now.

The clones broke off into pairs, heading different directions. The spare clone sped forward, ahead of him.

Naruto stabbed the next tree he bounded off, the tagged kunai sinking deep into the wood. He continued for another thirty seconds before triggering it.

That would be the notice for the other clones.

A buzzing filled his ears as massive amounts of wind chakra was generated from multiple directions. The sound cut off after a few seconds. This would be cutting it close.

 _Zzzthp!_

Naruto flung himself to the next tree as a fuma-shuriken cut down the tree he was just on, as well as several others.

 _Just a bit further…_

He dodged several more projectiles before the jutsu began.

"Suiton: Suiryudan no Jutsu!"

Naruto _felt_ the force of the jutsu as it barreled behind him. Trees screamed and cracked as they were felled before the technique. It had been raining for days now, making the technique dangerous.

If there was a shortage of water, one could restrain the size of the jutsu. In a water-enriched environment, however, the Suiryudan no Jutsu gained a mind of its own. It greedily absorbed liquid like a sponge, enlarging itself to monstrous proportions.

Naruto grit his teeth as he pushed more power into his legs. The technique both favored him and made his next move infinitely more dangerous.

He absolutely could not get caught in that jutsu.

Everything blurred around him as he doubled his speed once more. His legs would need a week to fully recover from the strain, but success was paramount.

His focus devoted to avoiding the water dragon, Naruto failed to notice the kunai until it was buried in his shoulder.

He grunted as his footing stumbled for a moment before regaining his balance. The weapon grated against his bone but he couldn't take it out. It was stemming blood flow and it would only weaken him.

The spare clone dispelled itself, notifying him that everything was ready.

 _One hundred more yards._

Muscles and chakra straining, he pushed himself even harder. Any more than this and his body tissue would begin to break down. That had happened once before and growing it back was a pain in the ass.

The roar of the Suiryudan was closer than ever before Naruto dove for the ground. There was a hole in the earth three feet wide, barely enough for him to get through.

He slid into it, coming into a small man-made cavern five foot by five foot. He slammed into the far wall, slapping his hand down on the seal in the middle of the floor.

Translucent purple flickered onto the walls, highlighting seals drawn into the cave walls. Once activated, the seals would be supported by the seal walls. They required a surface to be written on in the first place, however. Because of this reason, it was seldom used despite being one of the stronger defense seal arrays.

A roar filled his ears and shook the ground. The ceiling dirt was stripped away, leaving only the purple wall. That was all that stood between him and the coursing water monster above. The Suiryudan pushed its way passed his prison and then leapt skyward.

Silence reigned for a moment as the water left the ground.

Naruto stared upwards, the world tinted purple as the Suiryudan coalesced once again in the sky. It was at least fifty meters wide and 200 meters long.

"Oh, shit!"

Naruto gritted his teeth and pumped chakra into the seal, strengthening the walls to their maximum. Any further and the seal would overload.

That would have been bad because he would have been dead.

Helpless except in defense, Naruto watched as the massive water dragon roared and dove downward.

For what seemed hours, water pounded the walls of his improvised safe room. Chakra poured out of him, powering the walls against the savage torrent.

In reality, the attack only lasted twenty seconds.

Abruptly, there was silence. Naruto blinked as he realized the attack had spent itself. His safe room was fully submerged in water.

So powerful was the attack that it stripped away the soil above and all around him. Naruto shivered as he imagined what would have happened if he hadn't made it on time.

He noticed the water slowly draining away until there was only half a foot around him. Sauntering toward him was a tall figure.

In Sage mode, his godfather's features were disfigured and he was barely recognizable. Striding atop the water towards him, Jiraiya mimed knocking on the box.

"Hey, Naruto!"

Naruto scowled at his grinning sensei.

"I win! You can't escape! Come on out now and accept your defeat!"

"Fuck off, ero-sennin!"

"I'll break in, if I have to!"

Naruto blinked as several of his clones dispelled. A sly grin filled his features as he stared up at Jiraiya. Said ninja stared at him for a moment before straightening.

That look only ever appeared on Naruto's face in two situations.

A successful prank and when victorious in battle.

Jiraiya was soon learning that in training, Naruto very often combined those two things.

Keeping one eye on the box, he stretched his senses attempting to feel what was wrong.

He whipped his head around at Naruto.

"I can feel the misbalance…what the fuck did you do, gaki?!"

Naruto thoroughly enjoyed seeing his master dance around in confusion. At the last moment, he himself panicked before he remembered to pour his remaining chakra into the seal array. Surviving the Suiryudan had taken more out of him than he had thought.

He hoped he had enough to survive this too.

 _Heat._

 _Light._

 _Noise._

 _Thunder._

The world turned white.

* * *

Naruto scratched at his sore head, glaring at Jiraiya. "My head hurts, asshole."

The white-haired ninja glanced away dismissively. "You mess with nature; you get a beating."

His face sour, Naruto muttered mutinously under his breath. "I still won."

Jiraiya stared at him dumbfoundedly. "Gaki, had I been actually trying to kill you, you would have been dead. That was a fucking _bet_ and you burned down _two square miles of forest_ to win!"

Naruto shrugged.

Jiraiya slapped him on the head.

Again.

It was approximately the fifty-ninth time he had done so in the last two days since said test.

They pushed their way through the street crowd. Naruto studiously ignored his teacher and Jiraiya studiously studied every passing woman.

The two ninja eventually came to their destination, a ramen stand.

Naruto forgot his pain for a moment as he rushed to sit down, followed closely by the elder ninja. He ordered his customary fifteen bowls.

Jiraiya ordered sake which he proceeded to drink straight from the bottle.

As Naruto tucked into his fourth bowl, Jiraiya finally put the bottle down.

"Naruto."

"Ungth, genthi."

 _Smack._ That made sixty.

"Ahem, yes, sensei?"

"You don't fuck with nature, Naruto. You just don't. You'll understand more once you gain the ability to use Sage Mode. Just trust me on this one."

"What was wrong with what I did, sensei? All I did was make lightning."

"Tell me again how you did it."

"I used wind element to fling my clones into the sky, then had them release the raiton tags next to each other in the clouds. This super charged the sky."

Naruto paused to take a bite of his ramen, swallowing before speaking this time.

"The clone that created the seal array also added an attraction seal to the box. This ensured that either way the sky got charged, it would attract to the box."

"What was the point of that, rather than let it strike at random?"

Naruto gestured towards Jiraiya with his chopsticks. "Because you like to gloat and I knew you'd come to me."

Jiraiya narrowed his eyes at Naruto. "That's not true."

"It's totally true."

"I would have never done that in real combat."

"I know, but I was betting on the fact that you'd come and gloat to me. You never miss a chance to do that to me."

Jiraiya took another swig of his alcohol, somewhat chagrined.

"Tell me something, Naruto, was the result what you expected?"

"It was even stronger and more powerful than what I expected, to be honest. I didn't think it'd be that much."

"That's my point, Naruto. That's why you don't fuck with nature. Nature has rules and order. When you mess with those, they turned to go insane. Nature senses its misbalances and will overcorrect. It will repay whatever you did to it, times a thousand to rectify itself.

Releasing those tags into the sky, it returned it tenfold. You only thought about what _you_ were releasing up there. What you didn't think about was what was _already there._ It was in the middle of a thunderstorm. Lightning was already happening. You cannot force or control nature, you can only guide it. That's what part of being a Sage is. _Guiding_ nature to enhance yourself or your abilities.

Your execution and strategy were good, almost flawless. Your mistake, however, ruined the whole effect. What you should have done was guided the lightning that was already there."

"I don't know how to do that. I barely even know any raiton jutsu."

Jiraiya glared at Naruto, saying, "All the more reason why you shouldn't have used that idea. If you don't have a grasp on how an element works you sure as hell shouldn't be using it."

"But then I would have lost!" Naruto protested around his tenth ramen serving.

"Then you should have lost, dammit!" Jiraiya exclaimed. "You do realize that if you were even slightly wrong on _anything_ you would have died?!"

"Yes?"

"You risked your life over a bet?"

"Well, the bet was to get you to retreat from just one of my attacks, right?"

"Yes, I know what the bet was, gaki."

"Did it work?"

Jiraiya stared at him in disbelief.

"You retreated from the attack. You made the mistake of using a suiton jutsu and then standing on the water. My lightning would have fried you so you retreated.

I won."

Jiraiya's eye twitched.

"You easily could have died, you dumbass."

Naruto gestured grandly at the feast in front of him. "This is the first ramen I have tasted in over a year, sensei. It was worth it."

Jiraiya's body mimed a full body seizure.

"You risked your life, pointlessly, to eat a fucking type of _**food**_?!"

Naruto sniffed down his nose at him disparagingly. "It's _ramen,_ you lowlife. My life is but chafe in the wind compared to the wonders of ramen!"

"IT'S GLORIFIED SOUP!"

The ramen-worshiper stood, his stool clattering to the ground. "YOU TAKE THAT BACK, ERO-SENNIN!"

"IT'S SOUP, SOUP, SOUUUUUP!"

Naruto pointed frantically behind his sensei. "Whoa, look at that hot babe!"

Jiraiya spun around swiftly. "Where?! Where?!"

He promptly found himself face first in the ground, Naruto's foot occupying the space his ass previously had.

"That's what you get, you disgusting filth. Never insult ramen again in my presence."

Jiraiya sprung to his feet and glared at Naruto. "Ramen? Forget ramen, you dare abuse the notion of a hot babe to distract me? That's is blasphemy!"

Naruto shrugged around his last bowl of ambrosia. "You blasphemed first."

Jiraiya considered this.

"My good student, let us agree to never blaspheme against each other again. I fear we would come to fatal blows over such things."

Naruto bowed his head, clapping his hands together. "Hai! It is agreed!"

Jiraiya retook his seat.

"We digress, let us go back to our previous discussion."

Naruto shrugged once more.

"Not much to talk about. I risked my life, I won, don't fuck with nature, I got ramen."

 _Smack._

"Owwwwh, sensei! You owe me another bowl for that!"

"I certainly do not!"

"Oi, jiji-san! Three more bowls for me! Make this white-haired pervert pay for it!"

Naruto would have earned himself his sixty-second smack had Jiraiya been paying attention.

Jiraiya was, in fact, paying attention to a rather generous pair of breasts that caught his eye.

As it was, Naruto got three more bowls and Jiraiya got lucky that night.

* * *

 **That was a long one! The idea kind of just took off for me and I couldn't stop writing!**

 **I'm not sure how well it flows but it's three in the morning and I'm not inclined to proof read it. Sorrynotsorry.**

 **It wasn't until after I was done writing that it occurred to me that the lightning thing was similar to what Sasuke did against Itachi.**

 **It was not an intentional copy, I assure you.**

 **Follow, favorite, review! Do all of them or none of them!**

 **If you have to do one of them, please make it a review! Constructive criticism is always appreciated as are flames and roasts!**

 **Or just tell me how much you like my story. I yuk that shit up.**

 **Kariska out.**


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